I, for one, welcome my new queer overlord.

She slices. She dices. She juliennes. She dons wigs and outfits designed to injure me, personally. She’s butch. She’s femme! She wears lipstick and a white T to a boxing ring, which is so gay that the scene itself is vegan and owns two rescue dogs. In every shot, she is someone I would let dump me upwards of six times before I finally blocked her number but kept following her Instagram “just for the cat pictures.” Except Kristen Stewart isn’t a cat person, she’s a motorcycle person, and I am first in line to get run over.

Kate Leth for Playboy

Read all of Kristen Stewart Has Arrived here.

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